No… really… I don’t care (or How to Totally Buy Into the Media Frenzy and Contrived Controversy and Generally Annoy the Crap out of Everyone Within Earshot In Less than 10 Days)

I’ve received 8 or 9 queries in the past few days that all go something like this…

“You’re a a Mac guy… Have you got the iPhone 6 yet?”
“omg you didn’t pre-order? It’s the best thing ever! So much better than that other phone that’s just like it!”
“You’re not getting the new iPhone, are you? It’s just like that other phone that’s so much better”
“Which should I get, phone A or phone B?”

I don’t know why folks give a crap about what phone I have, or why they think my opinion on such things actually matters, but allow me to address all the inquiries in one snarky post.

Yes, I have Apple products, but I’m not a “Mac Guy.” For what I wanted to do on a day-to-day basis, Apple products made the most sense for me. I also, however, have a PC on a desk behind me that I built myself for gaming, because Apple doesn’t meet that particular need of mine very well.

No, I didn’t pre-order the iPhone 6. I’m not even going to get the iPhone 6.

Because my iPhone 5 works just fine, that’s why. Why would I spend that kind of money to replace a phone that does everything I need it to do? I’m a teacher. I have better things to do with the little bit of surplus cash I have, thank you very much. Like buy beer. And pizza. And bacon. Well, hell… now I’m hungry.

Will you please stop bashing iPhone. And you over there… stop bashing those Android phones. Holy crap, you drive me crazy. It’s just a phone. You make this far more complicated and controversial than it really is.

I have no idea which you should get. My phone works great, so I haven’t done any research on any phone in the last two years. And I don’t plan on doing any research on any phone until the phone I have no longer does what I need and/or want it to do.

No, I don’t have time to do your research for you. Do your own damn research.

Holy moley you are persistent. Fine. Here’s some general advice. On individual slips of paper, write down the make and model of every phone that is causing you to lose sleep. Now, put those 2 slips of paper into a shoebox (because you’re just making a choice between Samsung and Apple, aren’t you? Can you even name another phone? No? How very telling). Put the lid on the shoebox. Shake the crap out of the shoebox. Close your eyes. Take the lid off the shoebox. Reach in and pull out one of the 2 slips of paper. There. You just decided which phone to buy.

Yes, really. Because when you’re talking about the top-of-the-line models from Samsung, Apple, LG, HTC, etc., they all do the same damn thing and you’ll never use whatever phone you get to its full capacity, anyway. You’ll text, and you’ll post to Facebook, and you’ll take pictures, and you’ll check email, and you’ll listen to music, and you’ll play videos, and you’ll play games. And you can do all of that on any of the big-name phones out there. At the end of the day, the basis of your decision is not going to be which phone performs which function best. Your biggest consideration is going to be which phone do you want your friends to see you with, and perhaps whatever media-contrived pseudo-political statement you imagine you are making. And that’s fine. But you don’t need my advice, or anyone else’s advice for that matter, to figure that out. Pick one at random. For the first 6 months you’ll love whichever one you pick, and then you’ll spend the next 6 months bitching about it because you’ve heard about what “the next big thing” is going to be able to do.

And in 12 months, you’re going to ask me the same silly questions and I’ll be able to point to this post because the only things that will have changed are the model numbers.

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